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Have may stretch pants on.....do you? 
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night
The president pardoned a turkey yesterday...shouldn't it be the other way around?
My secret special ingredient herb for my stuffing is, Marijuana. . .
Took my girlfriend window shopping. She’s just looking at a bunch of shoes we haven’t even bought a window yet :(
Even if I had an antidote for fixing stupid people I won't cure them, why should I kill the entertainment of my life.
When in doubt, take a nap.
I want to see a volcano erupt because I have an interest in geology. I want to see one erupt under your house because you're an a$$hole
I am black and I still think Kanye West is the biggest Douche of the Century!
If knowing is half the battle, maybe its time to admit that you are losing the war.
Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.
"If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?
I just called. To say. I texted you.
Cringing in regret is my cardio
Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out
BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.
Sometimes I feel like cashier's find a certain joy in letting things run down the conveyer belt and then stopping it right after I decide to stop it 007 style with the person in front of me.
We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time. 