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If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime. 
If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?
Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.
Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.
Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.
Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.
Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that's when I hired my first hooker.
He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.
I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .
My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!
Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!
This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!
There was a fire at the clock factory today. Several people died from second hand smoke.
I'll throw my hands in the air, but when it comes to waving them around, don't expect me not to care.
Some call it love, I call it vodka.
Dad, what is a silver and a bronze medal? Dad: I dunno son, we're canadians.
I am so proud of my gun, I left it alone and it did not kill anyone
In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well... 