lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   ..wonders if some women apply their makeup with a paintbrush in the dark. Either that or the Tammy Faye Baker/Alice Cooper look is all the rage these days.

   ..doesn't understand people who say "by now.." As in "by now you should have children,.by now you should be married..by now you should.." Sorry but if "by now" i'll "pay later".

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   ..won't waste any time looking for eggs, but will catch the Easter Bunny instead and hit the egg jackpot..

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   My cosmetic surgery might have gone wrong but I'm smiling on the inside.