BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Four things that can never be recovered: the stone after it’s thrown, the word after it’s spoken, the occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.

   WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.

   Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line.

   I just scrolled sooo far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace.

   I just had 19 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is awesome!

   Yo Bit&h, Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Never ever give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."

   Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.