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Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional. 
Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.
I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.
Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.
To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.
After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played
Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."
"The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"
Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.
If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.
Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!
Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.
Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.
I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.
It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them? 