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I tested positive for Facebook. 
Craving margaritas is an emotion, right?
Bet you didn't know that before leaving the factory every Tickle Me Elmo doll receives two test tickles.
If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!
People without a college degree: A piece of paper don’t mean jack$hit. People with a college degree: Hey you, get back to work.
Sighing heavily all day long counts as cardio, right?
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
reminding yourself you haven't got any kids is the best news ever...
If you make minimum wage and demand $15/hour, you are greatly overestimating your importance to an organization.
Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? The brave fallen solders of WWII fought so hard to defeat the Nazi’s so we can have the freedom to change the channel.
the pope is in Israel with a sheikh and a rabbi. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!
I paid $12.50 for movie tickets. Forget that the people are noisy, the popcorn and drinks are overpriced, and the movie itself stinks....I wanna know why there was no cartoon.
What do we want? A CURE FOR PARANOIA When do we want it? WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
How long has it been since you were not fat? - a question you can not ask a job candidate, apparently
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a pub.
Young lady, I'm old enough to be your dad's creepy high school friend with a pony tail who never married and works at the skating rink.
If you re-arrange the letters in "ugh" you get "hug". This is as good as it gets until the weed gets here people.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years
Don't forget to stay in your unfulfilling relationships today. 