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*cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd... 
Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.
Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.
Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean
If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.
I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?
Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.
I am a very very very bad influence In a good way.
Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.
I think, therefore I drink.
i'll make better mistakes tomorrow
I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.
"You make me a better person" - Me talking to my beer!
I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
It was a Hoax, Now ugly, homely, disfigured people may return to eatting at KFC !!!
Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . . 