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Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 
Suffering is good for the soul.
I don't get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Sick of people worrying about the Criminal more than the Victim. I support the death penalty… and who cares how long it takes you to die during an execution? Di d you care when you killed those people?
If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!
'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat
Why is it always the ugly and fat women that are nymphos? For once I would like to meet a beautiful nympho.
Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .
*Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...
Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit
Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"
When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important. 