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Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. 
where in the marriage licence does it say "feel free to get fat now ladies"? jeez have some respect for yourself and husband..
"If ya can't beat them, kill 'em" -Tony Stewart
You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"
I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.
Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.
Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.
if people around you are being negative, be extra positive & cancel them out
Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.
Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..
Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.
To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.
I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!
I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you cant do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here
Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME
A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.
Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on... 