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I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie. 
It doesn't count as a "drug deal" if they charge full price.
Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.
It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.
*takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"
i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.
That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.
If Peterson's kid didn't want to get spanked, then he shoudn't have misbehaved. He'll know better next time.
Some of you women need to stay out of my dreams, oh sorry.. I meant fantasies. . .
If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.
I wish people were more social on social sights. . .
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.
I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.
Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.
I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash. 