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If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear 
I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.
if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.
I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.
My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.
Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Remember kids, drunk texting your ex at 2am for a booty call is the best way to show everyone that you've moved on.
Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.
If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.
Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.
I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility
Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...
these pretzals are making me thirsty
People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur. 