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The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that” 
A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide
90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.
Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.
Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!
Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
If YOU pick a super expensive restaurant, for YOUR birthday, and invite me... then YOU pay.
I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler.
*Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.
I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"
Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."
Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?
*pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book
"I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat
Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
"Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor
A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace? 