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Please stop calling them "zombies." They are "living impaired." 
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
My super power is being able to make a quickie quicker.
My son asked me what marriage is like, so I ignroed him and walked away.
*Tries to finger paint* Paint: "I have a boyfriend".
Hearing you moan is the sexiest sound ever, even if it just involves you awkwardly eating nachos
That selfie looks like your daddy missed a lot of ballet recitals.
I've been married for "the only way to get my wife to scream in bed is to fart in my sleep" years.
Happy day after St. Patrick's day...also known as untagging yourself from photos day.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Ladies, if a man asks another "did you f**k her?" and he answers "A gentleman has no memory", that means "YES"
St. Patrick's Day Tip: Remember to switch your regular toilet paper roll out with a green roll tonight...You'll thank me tomorrow.
Your password must contain at least 8 letters, a capital, a plot, a protagonist with good character development, a twist and a happy ending
I just rap battled with my 5 year old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.
So who's up for some Dublin penetration on this woderful St. Paddy's Day?
A wise man once said nothing. He let her vent, and then they had sex.
Happy Irish-stereotypes day.
I encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A woman will ask her man what hairstyle she should get next but then go on to get a different one to the one he suggested.
They say don't burn bridges you may have to cross later. I say I don't mind swimming if the bridge was f--ked up to begin with. 