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"Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman. 
All females have 50 screenshoted quotes ready for when the sh*t goes down..
Someone who unplugs your phone at 3% to charge theirs at 97% is capable of killing you.
With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.
My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.
Do you really think that people ask George Foreman all the time what to do with their idea for a new invention?
"What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.
My stupid camera won't stop ringing.
They have a machine that sees your bones thru your skin. They have a machine that makes your heart beat when it own't. So, why does the Doctor still stick his finger up your butt and wiggle it around to feel your prostate??
I just got a back tattoo that says "Sorry kids, pay for your own damn college."
(true story) The neighbor guy stop over to thank me. Every time I'm outside grilling and take my shirt off his wife jumps up and runs outside to "mow the lawn" I thought it was weird that she mowed it twice a week.
It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs
BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.
At air shows in Japan, they have to get new pilots every year.
First rule of cuddle club, it better lead to sex or you are out of cuddle club.
Almost went outside without my phone so now I know what it feels like to lose your kids at the mall.
My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth, so I get it grils. I get it.
If violets were orange, poetry would be much more challenging.
But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?" 