My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!
When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.
The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...
The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.