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There are three sure signs of getting old. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two. - 
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I want to die the same way I was born. Naked and inside of something Wet..
"Sealed for your protection!" Should actually read, "Sealed to make your life difficult!"
By law We should be allowed to run over one cyclist a month..
Science Fun Fact: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light or get higher than Snoop Dogg.
Maury would be out of business had the polygraph never been invented.
Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.
Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.
I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.
By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day
DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??
Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles
If only we cared for African humans as much as we cared for African lions.
Due to Tom Brady the Green Bay Packers are no longer the most hated team.
If by big game hunter you mean "someone trying to find single game tickets to his favorite football team" then yes, I'm a big game hunter...
*Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !
Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody. 