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In Hell, everybody you meet explains how they found Jesus. 
I bet if you look at my cells under a microscope they all have little frowny faces.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Never underestimate a man with a perm.
[WIFE] I'm going to fold your laundry so hard. [ME] You think you can handle one more load? - Laundry Sext
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.
The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff
The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
AC/DC concerts are where old people like to get together and show off their jean jackets.
I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.
I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.
We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.
*brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides
The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.
A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.
I am claiming everything ever written by Author Unknown !
If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.
I am woman, hear me misinterpret
Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE 