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NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth 
(Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line
[Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?
Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""
Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy
I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world
I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen
Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck
HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed
The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today
I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . . 