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A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail 
Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.
I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.
strongly suspects that the cable, that was holding the blimp, was installed by Comcast.
Why isnt' the tooth fairy a symbol of Halloween? Thank about it.
Whatever you are doing, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
Bruce Jenner winning Glamour's woman of the year award just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman.
When poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window.
I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.
What I have survived could kill 99% of you.
Dear gym addicts, We don't care if it's leg day, chest day or arm day. Today is get a life day. Yours sincerely, The rest of the world
This Halloween I'm going to be my wife and just complain all day.
Has anyone ever checked their credit score and got a sad face emoji in place of the number? Asking for a friend.
That was the worst presidential roast I've ever seen. Comedy Central would have done a better job.
if I had a dollar for everytime somebody said I was pretty ... ive had one dollar -thanx mom!
I turned off the tv; what was the point of watching one boring moth-er-fucker after another one.
Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....
When I get an unlike under my stuff, I assume people’d had laughed so hard that had pressed the unlike button accidentally.
So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?
i love how men mock women for being overemotional and then lose their sh1t over a team losing an over-glorified game of fetch 