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What I have survived could kill 99% of you. 
Dear gym addicts, We don't care if it's leg day, chest day or arm day. Today is get a life day. Yours sincerely, The rest of the world
This Halloween I'm going to be my wife and just complain all day.
Has anyone ever checked their credit score and got a sad face emoji in place of the number? Asking for a friend.
That was the worst presidential roast I've ever seen. Comedy Central would have done a better job.
if I had a dollar for everytime somebody said I was pretty ... ive had one dollar -thanx mom!
I turned off the tv; what was the point of watching one boring moth-er-fucker after another one.
Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....
When I get an unlike under my stuff, I assume people’d had laughed so hard that had pressed the unlike button accidentally.
So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?
i love how men mock women for being overemotional and then lose their sh1t over a team losing an over-glorified game of fetch
If you friendzone me, help me bang your other friends then. Bestie
Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.
So, as far as that blimp breaking free from its cable today... The cable must have come from Comcast! Comcast Cable never works!
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart or at taco bell.
Why doesn't money have braille on it?
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.
Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.
For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.
If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it from a bar. 