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No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer 
Religion is the most vile ailment of human evolution (or rather, devolution) in existence
My girlfriend has a gorgeous Duck butt, BUT every time I try and stick it in the wrong hole it screams AFLAC
Loyal chicks are crazy, annoying, jealous, psycho & obsessive. But they make the best girlfriends, so y'all gotta deal with it.
Do vegan mothers ever breast feed their babies?
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me on that.
Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once. Oh and a great big thanks must go to Facebook for greeting me this evening! Yay! My life is complete!
So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to G0d, I'm the Loyal Opposition." ― Woody Allen
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin
Accidentally went to the bar and kidnapped someone again.
Candy Crush just sold for $6 billion in case anyone is looking for a reason to join ISIS
I'm gonna sell everything and buy and van and go live down by the river !
If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a French cat.
Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.
Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.
Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45. 