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They called it boxing because fisting was already taken. 
I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..
The dream if free. The hustle is sold separately.
My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"
*gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"
What valuable lesson did you learn from the chubby white B-list comedian on the stool?
welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.
you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁
In 2015, if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, you're a racist.
Anti-psychotics, but for religious fanatics.
When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I'm afraid of the lights.
The proper response to "Good Morning" is "Yeah? Prove it!"
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.
"Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"
To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .
"Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair. 