Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"

   A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to do his best friend too.

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.