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My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already. 
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people work out and absorb the benefits for myself.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Every man is the master of his own destiny. You are your own god or devil. Your soul belongs to only you.
I just had a WTF moment when Adele stoped singing and immediately turned into Mrs. Doubtfire. I also just learned that she has a potty mouth, and I like it!
Enough with the pro-Xmas vs con-Xmas: IT IS FESTIVUS!
So is Mary already in labour? How long did she take? And was this God-bloke excited? Smoking at her "stable side"?
Midnight mass? I'll pass thanks. More Porto please...
All I want for Christmas is lots of bubble wrap
Watching and playing video games is probably my favorite holiday thing.
Thank You Santa for helping make Christianity less believable than it already was
I celebrate Hanukkah instead it's much more chill and we don't have any silly stuff
If you're atheist so don't celebrate Christmas
somedays my inner child kinda runs the place
"Joseph was engaged to Mary, but she then revealed she's pregnant. You won't BELIEVE who she says the baby daddy is......Today on MAURY".
I dont think the ugly loser should become president!
I don't think we should put elementary school teachers in a position where kids can say " the president calls people ugly and losers so why can't I"?
♫♪ " ...It's beginning to look a lot like ̶̶C̶̶H̶̶R̶̶I̶̶S̶̶T̶̶M̶̶A̶̶S̶̶ El Niño, everywhere I go..." ♫♪
Today is the official day for guys to start their Xmas shopping 