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[working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go 
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
[Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.
Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?
Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.
Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.
I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.
I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.
Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???
Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.
Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Good Better Best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better. and your better best.
if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you
Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"
How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes. 