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My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name. 
I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.
The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".
Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...
Dating someone who didn't even finish high school is so risky, what if they leave you like they left school?
" Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily
Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.
I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"
Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.
It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....
.... Global Warming is just a lot of hot air.
Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .
wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.
Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.
In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...
The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense. 