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I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen. 
( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .
*calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !
This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.
The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear
Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer....thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.
After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.
Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.
President Lyndon B. Johnson owned an amphibious car and would scare his guests by driving into a lake, screaming about brake failure. Those are the same people who don't like Obama.
"Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them....
For all those guys wearing skinny jeans....I believe you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.
Stop knocking on my door wanting to talk about the Lord and I will stop coming to your door wanting to talk about alcohol, weed and freaky sex.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
So true the Republicans waited until the black guy dropped out the Presidential race before they started comparing genital sizes...
If you "like" this status, someone you hate will step on a lego.
It's Thursday and I don't need any inspirational messages to start my day, just spike my coffee and shut the f*ck up.
As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now."
Just read that serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer's house is for sale and no one is interested. I get it though, no one wants to live in Ohio.
Pro Tip: You're not truly a parent until you've given your child the middle finger behind their back while mouthing, "F*ck you!" 