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I'm excited this Easter to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%. 
My dream in life is to be a guest on the Maury show.
Saying "Do I smell popcorn?" right after someone farts, so everybody takes a deep breath.
Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!
I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.
Proper Etiquette In 2016: Don't casually shoot someone while reading the manual of the gun you're shooting them with.
Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.
Wow!!! Madonna exposes 17-year old's breat during concert, teen calls it the best moment in her life. Hmmmm....I thought all of Madonna's fans were all adults in their 40's and 50's.
just like the calendar says, I "SAT" around all day today
So if daredevil sees everything like it's on fire when he looks in the mirror does he see himself as the human torch?
One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak
Had to take the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...
Shout out to everyone who's trying to get their life together. Working on yourself is the hardest part of life. So is wet t-shirt contests during Spring Break!!!
Have we tried turning the U.S. off and back on again?? Works well for Earth Hour and political elections.
Food Digger: (noun) A female who dates, establishes and maintains relationships with a man with a sole purpose to eat, and get food at someone elses expense. Please don't got confused with a gold digger.
Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.
Ants kill 30 people every year. Marijuana is safer than ants.
Will Smith is now older than Uncle Phil was at the beginning of The Fresh Prince.
How come the judge let that Hulk Hogan wear that idiotic do-rag in court?
December is when all the Spring Break babies are born. 