Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Lime flies when you're having rum.

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.

   Michael Jackson could do a very realistic Thriller video right now.

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   When two sets of boobs cross paths, the larger set has the right of way.

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

   MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.