Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I like to spend my Monday mornings avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

   Folgers coffee ads are ALL WRONG! The best part of waking up is being able roll over and go back to sleep.

   With the success of "Teen Mom" as well as "16 & Pregnant," MTV is proud to announce their new show "15 & F*cking."

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Props to the radio stations!! I know it must be difficult with the different lengths of songs yet you still manage to sync ur commercials with every other radio station!

   Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.