Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see.

   This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   At this very moment hundreds of men are using the "It's the end of the world tomorrow" pick-up line.

   I've never fully accepted or mastered many of the key elements of being a grown up.

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.

   I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"