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Message to Veterinarians: If people are stealing prescription meds from their pets, maybe you should stop prescribing Oxycontin to goldfish. 
Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.
Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?
I just yelled "Yo Joey" at the Springsteen concert in New Jersey and 2/3rds of the crowd turned around.
Fish food is a one time purchase. If you go through more than a canister in 10 years your fish has an eating disorder.
Chris Brown allegedly pulled a gun on a woman. I'm shocked because he said he was sorry when he beat up Rihanna.
Not only would I vote taco trucks on every corner, I'd vote for one in my living room.
A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.
If I were a dwarf, I’d be Gassy.
Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh
Absolutely need to work on my social skills. To avoid sitting in a restaurant, I just called in a pickup order from the parking lot.
Why can't journeys ever be fraught with pizza?
Every time a fat girl posts a picture of herself on Facebook with two skinny girls it always looks like a Wilson Phillips album cover.
Trapped at work with nothing to do and no internet/bad phone reception. Realizing how boring my own thoughts are.
911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY
[Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**
"It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..
Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.
There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.
For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka. 