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Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized 
Egg Nog is the perfect holiday drink for when you don't feel like breathing out of your mouth for a few hours.
2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.
You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?
The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"
If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.
For everyone that talks bad about Walmart, they now carry throw pillows that look like slices of pizza if you wanna take it all back.
New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.
This Christmas you can either join the Mile High club or the less prestigious Rock Bottom club, having sex on a Greyhound bus. If that's not rock bottom, I don't know what is.
Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
Getting tired of seeing her updated Facebook selfies again for the 20th time today....
My Christmas tree wasn't the only thing that got lit up last weekend!!
To all the horny female teachers out there. There are grown men who will gladly let you sexually abuse them. . .
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.
my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....
Be honest....has ANYONE ever eaten the Fruit Cake they got for Christmas?
Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!
I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.
I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee. 