Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!

   I performed at a charity event last night for women with no legs and I gotta tell ya fellas, that place was just crawling with ass…. Literally!

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.