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I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.. 
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash !
Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.
The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway
Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .
How was the peaceful protest at Berkeley last night? Did they quitely sing kumbaya?
Well, It is becoming very self evident who the REAL and True Tolerant people in the US are. Just look who can't refrain from being violent.
Well, Groundhog Day has been a bust. As Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, he was immediately detained and subjected to extreme vetting to determine whether he holds anti-American views. The ACLU is protesting and demanding his release.
It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
My doctor needed a stool, a ur-ine, a se-men and a blood sample. I gave him my underwear.
The definition of a Canadian - An unarmed American with Health Insurance!
I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Lesson learned: Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine without first turning off the hoses. Okay. Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine, period.
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
You made a video of me and my friends? Well Facebook, who told you they are my friends?
Would it be smart for a department store to promise “we won’t check to see if you paid!” .... I wonder how long they would stay in business? .... Anyways, That's how the American Voter registration works.
911 is useless,they dont even care that I cant find my remote!
I just found out ISIS has been using porn sites to send subliminal messages! This explains my urge to run out and buy fertilizer every day... 