mtq Funny Status Messages

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   I'm sick of all this Wiccan stuff. As far as I'm concerned, they're still food stamps.

   I have a great name for a dating site which pretty much sums the whole thing up in a nutshell...Desperate Losers.

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   You don't actually pay a h00ker to sleep with you, you pay her to leave.

   war machines will cause the destruction of man. Not a comet. I wonder what the next species that inhabits the Earth will discuss while filling their vehicles with the fossil fuels derived from the remains of extinct humans.

   Umm...you people who live up north whining about the cold weather umm....you umm live up north.

   Gangnam Style: Dancing like an overweight Ch!nk getting b0ned up the a$$ by a sumo wrestler while wearing handcuffs that were put on by a ret@rded cop.

   The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.

   Florida Folks: "♫ ♫ We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun. ♫ ♫" Up North Folks: "F**k you, Florida."

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   "That was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy." ~Amy Farrah Fowler

   The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?