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And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
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06-24-2017 20:59 by
Aaron
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2
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Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly
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06-24-2017 20:56 by
Aaron
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
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03-04-2017 22:07 by
Aaron
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The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.
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01-14-2017 20:48 by
Aaron
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"I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there
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10-12-2016 21:13 by
Aaron
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"Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.
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09-29-2016 22:35 by
Aaron
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Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
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09-29-2016 22:34 by
Aaron
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Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.
27
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09-15-2016 21:05 by
Aaron
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The winds of change can blow me.
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09-11-2016 13:37 by
Aaron
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Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.
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09-11-2016 13:33 by
Aaron
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Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it
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09-05-2016 21:10 by
Aaron
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It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.
21
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09-05-2016 20:43 by
Aaron
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.
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07-29-2016 18:09 by
Aaron
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When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment
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07-29-2016 18:04 by
Aaron
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Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
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06-17-2016 17:49 by
Aaron
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Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
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04-06-2016 19:49 by
Aaron
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1
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It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.
36
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04-03-2016 21:10 by
Aaron
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0
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
24
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04-03-2016 20:56 by
Aaron
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"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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03-26-2016 19:08 by
Aaron
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Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
106
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03-26-2016 19:06 by
Aaron
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