Jackbrass Funny Status Messages

   Commercials used to be funny. Now they're just like "hey stupid! Buy this!"

   Home: the place I can poop for as long as I want to.

   My girlfriend got mad at me because I didn't like her Facebook status 30 minutes after she posted it. It's not like I have a magical Facebook device on me at all times. Sent via safari for iPhone.

   Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....

   Cop to a hooker: What would your mother do if she seen you out here doing this? Hooker: She'd kill me, this is her corner.

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want.

   The real meanings of Facebook event RSVP's yes= most likely going but might bail last second, No= your lame why would I go somewhere with you, maybe= I'm not going but I'm too much of a pu$$ to say no.

   If you think my wife is hot you should see my girlfriend.

   Ever since my roommate got a new uptight, b!tchy girlfriend he's been acting like a real d!ck to everyone. So one night I took his phone, went on his facebook and checked in at a male strip club, then a gay bar, then a wmca. He's single again.DontBeAd!ck

   Worst feeling ever : taking a sh!t in a public bathroom and getting your a$$hole splashed with toilet water.

   You can't spell slaughter without laughter!

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a 100,000 trip for my birthday.

   I didn't even want sex out of the deal. I just wanted a nice sandwich.

   Eating p*ssy is like driving a car, got to be careful or you'll hit the a**hole ahead of you.

   A girl sleeps wit a lot of men she's a sl*t, but if a guy sleeps with alot of women he's the man. Not a double standard, look at it like this. If a key opens alot of locks it's a master key, if a lock gets opened by alot of keys then it's a sh*tty lock.

   I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly needed to pass gas bad. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat. After the first verse everyone was staring right at me. Then I realized I was listening to my iPod.

   Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

   Why are porn DVDs 8 hours long? I was done before the opening credits.

   I think cartoon characters should age every season, I wouldn't mind if alot of them were killed off due to old age.

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.