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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? 
Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
There are three stages in a person's life: You believe in Santa Claus; you don't believe in Santa Claus; you are Santa Claus.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life....
...in a show of mourning MJ's death, Pro and amateur golfers alike are wearing one glove.
if you thought for one minute that our goverment was in control,ever ran with its own ideas, or has our intrests at heart...google COMMON PURPOSE and tell me why this is so very wrong...
had a really hot curry last nite, and is now suffering with ring of fire syndrome.
thinking of going to veterinary school and learning taxidermy. His business motto will be "No matter what happens you get your dog back"
thinks the fine people at Aleve are very wise indeed. For headaches, take two Aleve, and keep away from children.
chasing fat people with a salad.
BoycottingTheSpacebar.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
It's better to be quiet and let them THINK you're stupid, than to speak and let them KNOW it.
Just had indian & in advance would like to apologize to his toilet for the spray on tan it will receive in the morning
Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook
that pirates are better than ninjas
A latte should NOT take this long to make! This had better taste like it came from the tit of Angelina Jolie's.
wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales
just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)
think you should be wearing the sign "may contain small parts"
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