Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.