Funny Status Messages

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!

   ‎~ Lindsay Lohan staggered into court. The judge explained, "Ms Lohan, you've been brought here for drinking", to which Lindsay replied, "Great! When do we get started?!".

   got a phone call from the credit card company this morning, telling me that I have "outstanding payments". I said "Why, thank you very much!".

   Hopes he doesnt black out, cause this is awesome!

   once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

   wants you to know... Suck all you want, He will make more.

   Many will come and go but I know the diffrence between a woman and a ho so if you text or call and you don't hear from me you know which one you must be:)

   knows that hangovers are Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night.

   Sorry, constantly quoting random bible scriptures isnt going to convince me. I could quote one the Twilight books and be just as profound. Twilight Eclipse, Chapter one verse three, "The."

   knows that arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics, you might win but in the end your still a retard.

   Knows that some people are like slinkies, there not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

   Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

   In Cincinnati, a women gave birth to two 10-pound baby boys. The kids are named Strech and Mark.

   waiting for boomerangs to make a comeback

   used to work for H&R Block, but it was too taxing.

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.