Funny Status Messages

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Will too much skin lightening cream turn you invisible?

   Didn't lock my car last night and there was a homeless guy asleep in it this morning.

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   going to go camping at North Korea State Beach and play a great camping game of Hide-and-keep-hiding!

   I really wish I had a pet chimp..that would really be cool. We could dress alike and go places together. We would be best friends..

   What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...

   What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time