Funny Status Messages

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard

   won't cross those streets untill you take her/his hand.

   mirrors can't talk....luckily for you they can't laugh either

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the cl!toris is

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   I disliked Obama before it was cool.......Yes I did!

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   hates it when people use the drive thru ATM for anything more than making a withdrawl.. do your damn deposits inside

   Dont ever let your gaurd down, ever!..and when you think its ok to let your gaurd down that is the time when you should realllly keep it up!, waaaaaay up!

   I can't get enough minimalism

   It's pretty hot today, but I'll take the heat over the cold any time. Heat = slight sweaty discomfort; drink cold water as needed. Cold = Physical pain of the extremities; sit in a hot tub and dont get out until spring .

   Turned my iphone's airplane mode and still won't fly...

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"