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If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it. 
Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.
:) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.
[shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows
I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.
Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.
:) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania
Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.
Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??
I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida
EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!
why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances
They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.
Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...
2017 is turning out to be one huge waste of time.
The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.
We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.
The Feast of San Gennaro. The Italian version of carnival food on a street decorated with signs on sticks of the Blessed Virgin Mary begging for money.
Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.
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