Funny Status Messages

   Karma: The "Gotcha" of the gods

   working on his six pack, of beer that is!

   if I mad 9.9 million dollars a year,.. a b*tch wouldn't be my problem either."

   nice perfume....must you marinate in it?

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.

   There should be breathalyzers installed in phones and facebook, that read "cannot text, call, or update status while under the infulence"

   The founder of 'Jews for Jesus' died today.. the funeral will be catered by 'Vegetarians for Meat'

     When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt"!

     If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough buffalo before you died of dysentery.

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat.

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   Parents inThis Economy is soo bad... Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   "It's time to take back our country!" Fine. Just return it to your nearest Indian casino.