Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!

   City girls slip & slide, Country girls grip & ride....

   Science: Ruining everything since 1543.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."

   14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.

   Everytime I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, head banging is a required element.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   "Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."

   I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole!

   You're a true 90's kid if you heard, "Get off the internet....I need to use the phone."

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   In the news today Amanda Bynes got a haircut. Why is this news, who the f#uck is she and who the f#ck cares. . .

   Piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists