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The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything." 
You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.
You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
I've been asked to join the Mossad, they offer great pay and a chance to travel, but I have to get a "procedure" done first.
JIMMY CARTER KIM: finally someone who President Carter is more embarrassed about being associated with than his goofy looking brother Billy.
When someone I don't like texts me, I send their text back. I don't want that sh*t.
If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass
When a girl likes you, everything you tweet has the potential to piss her off.
Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.
There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.
Chipotle diet plan... Eat a 1300 calorie burrito... get E.Coli... crap and puke out 1600 calories!
If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex
"I feel terrible today. Let me go find a man to blame." - WOMEN
Well about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle
Men look at b00bs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back.
why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the 1st place?
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
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