Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure

   What if stupidity was passed on in the womb and it had something to do with the am idiotic fluid.

   In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   Out on the highway, getting passed by a Prius is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.

   pɹɐʍʞɐ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

   If money was grown on trees, women would be dating monkeys

   A man climbed into a bus and the driver asked"where are you going to" the man replied "to the back seat"

   My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.

   I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

   On another note, some of the single Syrian women aren't bad looking ;)