Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   That's the last time I spend the week listening to INXS seeking relationship advice....totally just got left hanging.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, FREAK!...My dog is getting married

   The Native Americans used every part of the iPhone,,, even the stocks app and game center.

   On Dancing With the Tsars last night, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

   I'm not gay but $20 is $20.

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   "KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"

   Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

   I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.