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*son walks in on parents* *out of breath* -Daddy & I were just wrestling honey -Ya son, wrestling *dad busts a chair over mom's head* 
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Believe half of what you see -Fetty Wap
a straight white male walks into a bar. He is chastised because every problem in the world is his fault.
Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....
The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was
If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped
"Dad?..." Yes Son?.... "Where do baby horses come from?".... Well, when a mare and a stallion are really in love… "Yes…" …and in a stable relationship…
Every song has a story to tell and to every person that story is different. Even when its the same song except for Sir Mix a Lots Babys Got Back...thay has only one story lol
I really hurt my back today at the golf course,I fell off of the ball washing machine.
Would a satisfying sleep be known as a 'snoregasm'?
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I'm completely fine
The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock
It's 2015, shouldn't we be calling him Middle Age Rock by now?
The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...
I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...
That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...
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